Spring Communication Clinic

Some say that the month of April acquired its name from the Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite. Other etymologists argue that the word April comes from the Latin aperit, meaning to open. I like that idea a lot. Spring is about the opening of buds, the opening of windows, the opening of hearts. And how about the openness to new ideas, or new ways of doing things?

I’d like to suggest we start with the way we communicate. I bet if I asked each of you to rate yourself, you’d tell me that you’re a pretty good communicator. A solid four out of five. But are you? Really? Well, let’s find out. Do you spend at least as much time listening as you do talking? Do you avoid interrupting so that the person you’re speaking with isn’t rushed? Do you ask questions and offer encouragement so that the person you are communicating with knows you are truly plugging in?

The metric we most often use to measure communication is how well we choose our words. But that’s only half of it. If you really want to open up new channels of communication, pay equal attention to how well you listen.

Have you ever found yourself yelling at your child, or partner, or sibling, “You just aren’t listening to me!” The withering look they give you in response says, “Oh, I hear you just fine.” But hearing and listening are very different. Hearing requires ears, listening requires understanding. And if you really felt understood, you probably wouldn’t have been yelling.

Dan Siegel came up with what I think is the best definition of empathy ever: the feeling of being felt. I don’t know any way a person can feel felt, feel understood, without being heard. Listening, is a critical component of compassionate relating. You want to take your relationships to new heights? You want to see them truly blossom? Learn to be a good listener. Making an important someone feel heard and understood is the surest way to transform communication and deepen intimacy. And it’s not that hard.

First, speak less. Let the person you’re speaking with have the floor, take their time to form their thoughts, feel their feelings, find their words. Discipline yourself to practice restraint in the art of conversing. Learn to park your thoughts in short-term memory rather than interrupt. Your time will come.

Then, listen with your whole body, not just your ears. You’d be amazed how people open up when we lean in, make eye contact, use our faces to mirror the emotion we are seeing on the other person’s face. Ask questions to ensure you understand fully and correctly and to encourage your friend or loved one to say more. Pay attention not only to their words, but also to the more nuanced meanings expressed in body language, in tone and in what’s not said.

And please, turn off your phone. You think I’m being a smart-ass, but I really mean it. About half of all the couples I see in counselling are there because one of them feels usurped by the other’s relationship with an iPhone. Artful listening involves hearing, feeling and full attention.