Talking to Kids About Divorce

Dear Liza,

My partner and I have decided to separate. We’ve stayed together as long as we can, for the sake of the kids, but we’ve gone from fighting to not even talking. The kids are going to be devastated. How do we tell them?

I’m really glad you’ve taken the brave step of separating. Staying together “for the sake of the kids” is never a good idea. It puts kids in the position of being responsible for your marital unhappiness. Furthermore, it subjects them to a decades-long education in what relationships should not look like. If you’ve decided your marital problems aren’t fixable, it is far preferable to part ways and find happiness, rather than force kids to endure the hostility that you may think you hide from them, but never really do.

So, how do you tell them? First, don’t assume they will be devastated. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Maybe one will and one won’t. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard kids say, “Yeah, we knew it was coming.” But even if one or all of your children are hurt, it’s going to be ok. Remember, your job as a parent is to prepare kids for life, not prevent life from happening; it’s to prepare them for tough times, not prevent tough times altogether. So, if they are sad or scared, acknowledge those feelings while also acknowledging your faith in their ability to be resilient. Let them cry, and let them see you keep getting up and getting on, like they will.