Let’s Talk About (Midlife) Sex…

I got this email from a long-time client:

“Dear Liza. My husband wants sex a lot more than I do. It’s not that I want sex with someone else, I just don’t have the same libido as he does—or that I once had. These days, I approach sex like a chore, counting the days until I’ll have to do it again.”

What you are describing is what my colleague, sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod, calls the mercy sex cycle. You have “get it over with” sex that is only somewhat satisfying for him and not at all satisfying for you. Not surprisingly, you become averse to these sexual experiences and so avoid another encounter as long as you can. But this only has the effect of making your partner feel more deprived and you more resentful about sympathy, or “get off my case” sex. And so it goes.

The fact is that men have 7-8 times more testosterone (one of the arousal hormones) than women. That doesn’t mean that women don’t, or can’t, want sex, but rather that it may take longer for them to get there.

There are a few things you can do, right now, to correct this intimacy imbalance.

• Stop seeing sex as an act of charity and end the mercy sex cycle.
• Stop comparing your sex drive now to what it was when you first starting dating. The rush of hormones you felt during the honeymoon stage isn’t normal; this is.
• Consider scheduling sex. If you know it’s coming, you can take responsibility for getting yourself in the mood; psychologically prepare for it. For his part, your partner may not get it as much as he’d like, but he’ll love knowing he can count on this intimate time and that he’ll have a willing partner.
• Follow the Ts of good sex. Lot of time, lots of talk and lots of touch.